juju_ana

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 03:38:13 GMT

I'm feeling lonely and I close my eyes and let the feeling of loneliness overpower me, I am not taken back by it, I want to be defenseless and feel it in every cell of my body. I greet it as one would greet a good friend. Who said we couldn't coexist peacefully?

Manifestation of the wildest dreams

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 03:33:29 GMT

Except the dreams turn out to be quite ordinary. I think of everything I ever dreamed of. From magic worlds, to being the one person from the future to find myself in some situation in the past where I could have changed the course of history. In the end come to realize that if I was given by someone a chance to realize those dreams I would not take it. And I don't want a simple explanation that with the time our goals and dreams change. I keep thinking that the fact that I don't want it anymore is because I did not want them in the first place. All of them were in some way shadows of some experience that I was undergoing right that second. So one dream that stuck with me throughout all this time was the simplest of them all. I just wanted to stop trying.... stop playing.... I wanted just to be. I wanted to sit down with a pen and a paper and be able to write everything that I'm thinking about, even if it does not say anything good about the way I developed or of me as a person. Without trying to put it in a better light, without trying to come up with excuses of why I think this way. I just wanted to stop playing games with myself.

Feeling the gravity

Fri, 18 Dec 2009 03:02:07 GMT

New drug for the addict - the past. We should have some kind of device that erases it from our memory, how else would we get a fresh start? Someone will argue that without our past we wouldn't learn from our mistakes. But we don't learn from them anyways. The real art of letting go, is our ability to repeat them with the hopes for a better outcome.

Time heals?????

Thu, 17 Dec 2009 02:17:08 GMT

Then why do I feel like someone shattered a glass in front of me and every minute equates to one step on the glass?

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 23:40:31 GMT

I almost feel as though I should grow my thorns back to have some kind of protection from the outside world. I should say I miss my old ways but I don’t. They have just become a part of me, something that shows its head every time something scary comes around. Of course we rely on my definition of “scary” which encompasses pretty much any potential threat. Which in turns make me think that I pretty much stepped out of the way of evolution. Without the threat there is no need to come up with witty solutions and grow a thicker skin. Although I do have the thorns. I’m confused. I feel as though the thoughts in my head are on a crazy roller coaster ride which goes into never ending spiral and makes the same turn over and over again and the answer is just outside of that circle except for I’m incapable of stopping this madness, so I try to follow it. I don’t make sense. I’m mumbling. I have no idea of what I’m trying to say or what I feel. Just wanted to put the chaos in writing.

The sweet taste of denial.....

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 21:35:34 GMT

One more step and then just close the eyes and fly off... You will try arguing with me, trying to convince me that I am falling. But we already had our conversation about the glass being half full... and we do know that we see things differently. And if I was really falling I wouldn't have a happy peaceful look on my face. Obviously I'm convinced that I am flying. And you... Don't be a mere observer, I did invite you to come with me for that final push....

Приглашение на стройку Мастадонии....

Mon, 09 Nov 2009 16:53:01 GMT

Ковырялись в строительных материалах всё пытаясь отыскать что нибудь необычное, потому что казалось нельзя осквернять волшебство самым обыкновенным цементом с кирпичами...Заказ на строительство и архитектурные планы казались абсолютно сумасшедшими и без каких либо точных указаниях строители делали то, что умели делать хорошо - матерились и пили водку. Дело спорилось, только под делом я имею в виду быстро наступающее опьянение. Но с планами наконец то разобрались, начали возводить стены, и постепенно стали более четкими очертания непонятной крепости которую заказали какие то сумасшедшие которые забыли в каком веке они живут. Корпус становился всё больше, выступая дерзко среди модерна, словно кидая соседним зданиям вызов. Я к чему всё это..... Просто поняла что неважно как и кем что то воздвигалось и строилось и какие материалы шли в ход. Главное чтоб идея была сумасшедшей......

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 21:27:59 GMT

You know that feeling when you feel down, when you want to crawl into a dark place and hide, and then there is that someone who decides that it's his duty to console you and offers you something ridiculous along the lines of "let's dance" and tries to force you into reversing into joyous mode, but does it so out of place that you look at them in disdain, trying to grasp how someone could truly find a suggestion like that appropriate for that moment.... I don't want to dance.... I want to be left alone, crawled up in my dark hiding place.... I want to breathe in the damp air and feel the drops of moisture form in my lungs....

Missing you like crazy....

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 03:23:45 GMT

Yes, I still do try to hold back my feelings but it seems like I'm doing it to no avail.... nothing works, nothing is helping.... there is no use in resisting..... All my thoughts are streaming towards you, all that I feel I want to share with you... And I feel so liberated to be wanting to tell you so much about so little.....I feel like a kid in a candy store, I feel like I was finally released from the asylum of lonely souls.... I've completely succumbed to you....

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 17:18:34 GMT

When nothing is left to do, waiting is the cure of it all. We could count down by weeks, or days, or hours and if we continue feeling miserable we could break it down even more... We're expanding the timeline because by doing that, we feel like we're changing something.... feels like we're not idle..... we won't rely on fate to take the necessary steps and we will take precautions.... When nothing is left to do, we will turn to feeding our fears - that black hole that sucks in everything.... And then we'll spend the weeks, days, hours, minutes trying to brush them away and convince each other that the distance is at fault.....

The price we pay....

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 23:39:52 GMT

If true happiness is meant to be infinite in it's euphoria, how is it that you continue feeling like you're giving something up? Does there always have to be some kind of a trade off? I, myself, find that having that trade off, no matter how painful it might seem, is fair, otherwise how would we keep the balance in life? Too bad that the balance is simply another form of control, designed to limit us in some way. Good thing I have no willpower left for rebellions....

Who put up a banner with "Dreaming not an option" on it?

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 03:44:56 GMT

Except for giving a fair warning of what it entails..... The hurricanes, the tornadoes, the volcano eruptions.....
I just have one question.... When is the UN going to send forces to stop this turmoil in me?

A small complaint about a big memory problem....

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 23:17:10 GMT

I really wish I had an exact imprint of those four days, minute by minute.... I think it's cruel and unusual that we do not get a fair warning that something memorable is about to happen to us, so that we can switch the attention on to savior all the tiny details, the ones that fall behind the curtains of the brain never to be found again. I want those missing minutes back!

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 03:22:42 GMT

Shed all the thorns, reverted back to the way I did not know I could be. Remembered dancing in the rain barefoot without a single worry and feeling the insatiable desire for happiness. And I did not even have to fight for my wings they just floated back onto my lap, or maybe they were always there but I, in my shameless downward spiral did not dare to pick them up until now. You gave me the most delicate gift of all and did not care to ask if I deserved it. And I will try my best to become the woman I see through the reflection of your eyes.....

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 02:54:21 GMT

Иногда бывает настроение когда чувствуешь как дымчатый холодок проникает в каждое сухожилие, в каждую мышцу. Сердце пульсируя всё больше расспространяет по телу мрак. И ты вначале пытаешься протестовать, сопротивляться пока не чувствуешь огромную слабость и не понимаешь что на борьбу не осталось больше сил. Бывают в жизни такие вот дни как у меня сегодня когда осознаешь что боролась даже за то, за что не надо бороться... Сколько сил ушло, сколько нервов и всё ради чего? За бумажные медали, за вязанные погоны на плечах и за недоверие к людям....

Being grateful for just being....

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 16:14:32 GMT

I did not expect him to write me another email while being in-between the planes, but he did. Just to say "Good Morning". Because he knew how used I have become to opening my email in the morning and reading his letters. Now am I wrong to have a smile across my face and want to cuddle him to death?

Sun, 23 Aug 2009 06:00:47 GMT

Looked at the old pictures. For some reason, instead of feeling nostalgic I feel strangely detached. But that's not the point... Yesterday my friend told me that we all should get our fairy tale ending at least once in our lives. So now I keep thinking what if I had it, but I screwed it up, does it still count?

Sun, 23 Aug 2009 05:51:36 GMT

I had a sobering experience. And by that I mean I was sober at a party and I didn't even get a medal for it. What a waste.....

Sat, 15 Aug 2009 23:15:11 GMT

Oh.... you are sooooo funny..... did you really think that I would let you treat me like this? Did you really think that if I am this bubbly and nice with you there would be no "other" side to me? I should come with a warning on my label - "in case of a long abuse may result in a complete stop of communication without explanation". I forgot to mention that I have no second chances to give out, I ran out of them long time ago. But do not worry, I do hope you will have fun while discussing with your friends the "bitch" that suddenly stop talking to you.... You are very welcome...

Fri, 07 Aug 2009 15:55:41 GMT

And in this game we played we went too far. And I knew from the start that the show we landed our major roles in, would turn out to be a fucking drama. And my fears and delusions would contribute to this "not so happy" ending. But look at the bright side - there were no critics to judge us.... we did it all ourselves.

Sat, 25 Jul 2009 07:00:31 GMT

And the four walls around me would crumble, leaving me standing in the middle of debris, exposed, and I would pick up a shovel and dig through the layers of insecurities, lies and betrayals. I would make space for new ones.

Finding Neverland

Sat, 25 Jul 2009 02:16:20 GMT

I know we've just met, so frantically, I was trying to hide with my back the castle that we're going to buy together and happy memories that we're going to have, but the stupid unicorn kept popping his head above my shoulders.

Thu, 23 Jul 2009 21:15:35 GMT

So I guess I found a soul mate - or so it seems to me. But I keep questioning my desire to immerse myself completely in this belief as I try to come up with reasons why I could be wrong. And yes, I do have trust issues, but I keep playing in my head all the possible consequences of letting go of my fears and the end of the world does not seem as gloomy as the outcomes that I imagine. I think I found a soul mate - that's a good thing right?

Fri, 05 Jun 2009 01:37:59 GMT

I was just sitting in a backyard enjoying my eight cup of coffee. And this guy (I assume he is our neighbor because screams were coming from behind the fence) was yelling "Leave me alone! Just go and leave me alone" I couldn't hear the second person I assumed it was the wife - such warm feelings could only be brought with great passion. He kept screaming "Leave me alone" for about 2 minutes. And just when I was considering dialing 911, I heard a door slam. And he screamed "Get out Bitch" (I capitalize bitch, because unfortunately I do not know her name). Sometimes there is so much beauty in this world......

From the Past....

Wed, 29 Apr 2009 02:52:36 GMT

And I sat there, staring at the chess board, trying to figure out a way out of this mess. You knew all my moves and combinations five turns ahead and you sat there with a smile, a smile one has when listening to a melody that goes with the subtitles... And I considered for a second pausing your music and surprising you, but I loved your smile too much, and I refused to admit that I was just as calculating as you were...