I'm feeling lonely and I close my eyes and let the feeling of loneliness overpower me, I am not taken back by it, I want to be defenseless and feel it in every cell of my body. I greet it as one would greet a good friend. Who said we couldn't coexist peacefully?

Except the dreams turn out to be quite ordinary. I think of everything I ever dreamed of. From magic worlds, to being the one person from the future to find myself in some situation in the past where I could have changed the course of history. In the end come to realize that if I was given by someone a chance to realize those dreams I would not take it. And I don't want a simple explanation that with the time our goals and dreams change. I keep thinking that the fact that I don't want it anymore is because I did not want them in the first place. All of them were in some way shadows of some experience that I was undergoing right that second. So one dream that stuck with me throughout all this time was the simplest of them all. I just wanted to stop trying.... stop playing.... I wanted just to be. I wanted to sit down with a pen and a paper and be able to write everything that I'm thinking about, even if it does not say anything good about the way I developed or of me as a person. Without trying to put it in a better light, without trying to come up with excuses of why I think this way. I just wanted to stop playing games with myself.

New drug for the addict - the past. We should have some kind of device that erases it from our memory, how else would we get a fresh start? Someone will argue that without our past we wouldn't learn from our mistakes. But we don't learn from them anyways. The real art of letting go, is our ability to repeat them with the hopes for a better outcome.

Then why do I feel like someone shattered a glass in front of me and every minute equates to one step on the glass?

I almost feel as though I should grow my thorns back to have some kind of protection from the outside world. I should say I miss my old ways but I don’t. They have just become a part of me, something that shows its head every time something scary comes around. Of course we rely on my definition of “scary” which encompasses pretty much any potential threat. Which in turns make me think that I pretty much stepped out of the way of evolution. Without the threat there is no need to come up with witty solutions and grow a thicker skin. Although I do have the thorns. I’m confused. I feel as though the thoughts in my head are on a crazy roller coaster ride which goes into never ending spiral and makes the same turn over and over again and the answer is just outside of that circle except for I’m incapable of stopping this madness, so I try to follow it. I don’t make sense. I’m mumbling. I have no idea of what I’m trying to say or what I feel. Just wanted to put the chaos in writing.